Why You Should Talk About Sex

Why Should You Talk about Sex?

It's a fact that if you are mature enough to be having sex, then you are mature enough to talk about it. If you have a hard time doing that, don't worry, that's normal. But if you want your sex life and your relationship to be all that they can be, then you need to find a way to talk about and concerns or desires that you have in relation to your sex life. Otherwise, your unhappiness will come out in other ways, such as by pulling away from your partner and avoiding sexual activity, or by affecting your intimacy in other ways.

There's another benefit to talking about sex though - so that you know that you are giving your partner everything that he or she needs in order to feel fulfilled sexually. Not only will this help you both to enjoy sex more, but think about it - if your partner is getting more out of your sex life, you're more likely to get more sex! Plus, if you are proving to be a thoughtful, sensitive and skilled lover, you are likely to keep your partner happy and satisfied with you and less likely to stray in order to find satisfaction elsewhere.

So how do you approach what can be an incredibly sensitive subject in a way that creates a positive result? First, be sure that you know for yourself what it is that you want to change in your sex life. For example, are you looking for more sex? In what way? More foreplay? More oral sex? Try to get as clear about what you want as possible so that when your partner asks questions, you are ready to answer them. You may find that if you explore your concerns that they are not actually about sex, but about your relationship in general.

However, if you do feel that sex is the true issue at hand, you need to approach your partner in the least confrontational way possible if you want to get the results that you desire. Think about how you will phrase the subject so that it doesn't sound accusatory, but instead sounds like something you can solve together. For example, instead of saying "I really don't like it when you kiss me on my neck," say something like, "it would turn me on so much if instead of kissing my neck, you licked my earlobes" or whatever the case may be. If you phrase the question as something that is their 'fault,' they are likely to be insulted or get their feelings hurt instead of seeing an opportunity to be even better at pleasing you.

Next, know when it is the right time to bring it up and when it is not exactly the bright time to do so. You want to have the conversation about sex before you're actually having sex. That way your partner won't feel even more vulnerable in the conversation. Although this may sound like common sense, be sure that you bring it up in private, in an environment where you can be sure that you won't be overheard. You might find it helpful to practice what you want to say ahead of time so that you don't stumble over it when it comes time to actually talk face to face. You might even try writing down an outline in order to organize your thoughts before you try talking to your partner.

Start the conversation by reassuring the person that you love being close to them and that sex with them is something that you enjoy immensely. Tell them how much you love the way that they do a certain activity, such as "I love the way you rub my back when I'm on top," and then add in the comment regarding what you would like to have change slightly by putting it in a positive light; "but I think it would be so much hotter if you were to lick nipples instead of biting them - it just would feel sooo amazing!" That way you are cushioning the negative with a bit of positive. Allow them some time to react - don't expect immediate change. They may need time to process what you said and to incorporate it into their behavior.

When you are actually in the midst of sex, you can use positive reinforcement to encourage the kind of behavior that you want your partner to exhibit. Be sure that you comment or make noises that will let him or her know that they are doing something that you really enjoy. If they ask you how something is, take the opportunity to give them some feedback like "that thing you just did with your tongue was fucking fantastic!" or "I love it when you thrust hard like that." Moaning or gasping are easy ways to let your partner know when they are pleasing you - but be sure that they are heartfelt and not just artificial. You want your partner to know when they are really turning you on - not to make them feel like you're just humoring their efforts.

If you have a problem in your sex life that you feel that these efforts won't address, then you need to have a more direct conversation with your partner. You can still frame it inside the idea that you want the both of you to have a fantastic, fulfilling love life, and that you feel that it will be even better if this problem is solved. Offer to participate in whatever treatment is necessary and to encourage and support them when you see some kind of change or progress. Remember that there are two of you involved in your sexual relationship, so although you have the right to a happy sex life, you also have the responsibility to treat the other person with care and respect as well.

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